Funny Cartoon Quotes About Being Sick

Cute Senior Jokes!!

It's been said that 'Laughter IS the Best Medicine.' Nothing works faster or is more dependable to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Sense of humour lightens your burdens, inspires hopes, connects y'all to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert. Here's to living a longer, healthier, and happier life!

A Sweet Grandmother...

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll exist glad to aid, dear. What'southward the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on concur while I cheque with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I take good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
claret pressure is fine; her blood piece of work merely came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was and then worried. God anoint you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'k Norma Findlay in Room 302. No 1 tells me shit."

Married Four Times

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-one-time lady because she had merely gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions well-nigh her life, almost what it felt similar to be marrying over again at fourscore, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral managing director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He and so asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her beginning iii husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had offset married a broker when she was in her twenty'due south, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and at present - in her 80's - a funeral managing director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married 4 men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it...)

- She smiled and explained, "I married ane for the coin, two for the bear witness, 3 to go ready, and 4 to go."

(Oh, just hush-up now and ship this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.) ha!

A Perfect Marriage?

A homo and woman had been married for more than than sixty years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little erstwhile adult female had a shoe box in the superlative of her closet that she had cautioned her hubby never to open or ask her well-nigh.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, simply one day, the petty quondam woman got very sick and the doc said she would non recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife'south bedside.

She agreed that information technology was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When nosotros were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I e'er got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little quondam man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. But two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been aroused with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come up from?"

"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Male child, oh boy, did nosotros go around! Simply because I'one thousand blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me terminal year. He said that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. In that location was silence on the other end of the line, so I but hung upwards, and he hasn't chosen back. Guess he was embarrassed.

A footling sometime man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, upward onto a stool� Afterward catching his breath, he ordered a banana separate. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her hubby burst into the kitchen. 'Conscientious,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking also many at one time. Likewise MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more than butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get More BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said exist Careful! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are y'all CRAZY? Accept you LOST your heed? Don't forget to common salt them. You know you e'er forget to common salt them. Utilize the table salt. USE THE Common salt! THE SALT!'

The married woman stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The hubby calmly replied, 'I just wanted to evidence you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant 1 forenoon.  Ethel noticed something funny well-nigh Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did yous know y'all've got a suppository in your left ear? " Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad y'all saw this thing. Now I recollect I know where my hearing aid is."

A guy is reading his paper when his married woman walks upwards backside him and smacks andim on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on information technology." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember final week when I went to the rails? 'Betty Sue' was the proper name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away.

Three days afterward he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse chosen."

You'll love this one!! An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated expanse. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't motion. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't reply.

Once again the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Zero. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the automobile out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only 1 pulling, he wouldn't fifty-fifty try!"

A woman on the phone to her friend; I experience like my torso has gotten totally out of shape, then I got my physician�s permission to bring together a fitness club and start exercising�. I decided to take and aerobics course for seniors. I aptitude, twisted, gyrated, jumped upwardly and down, and perspired for an hour. But, past the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

A fellow was walking through a supermarket to pick upward a few thingswhen he noticed an old lady post-obit him around. Thinking zip of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'yard sorry if my staring at you lot has made you lot feel uncomfortable. Information technology'due south only that y'all await only like my son, who simply died recently." "I'thou very deplorable," replied the young man, "is at that place anything I can practise for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Proficient farewell, Female parent'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the beau.

As the one-time woman was leaving, he called out, "Cheerio, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.l. "How tin can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your female parent said that you lot would pay for her," said the clerk.

A human being buys a parrot and brings him home. Simply the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, and so the homo picks upwardly the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, just suddenly the parrot is quiet. The homo opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I repent for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."

The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."

The parrot so says, "If yous don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"

An elderly woman had merely returned to her home from an evening at church service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the human action of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Terminate! ACTS ii:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the proper noun of the lord, then that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.Every bit the officeholder cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you only stand up there? All the old lady did was yell scripture at you."

"SCRIPTURE?!" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and 2 38's!

All-time Always SENIOR Denizen JOKE!!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. Every bit she laid her pet on the tabular array, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's breast.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has   passed away." The distressed adult female wailed, "Are you sure?"   "Yep, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can yous be and then certain?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or annihilation. He might but be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked upwardly at the vet with sad eyes and shook his caput.

The vet patted the dog on the caput and took it out of the room. A few minutes later on he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from caput to human foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'thousand sorry, but every bit I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a pecker, which he handed to the adult female.. The duck'due south possessor, still in shock, took the neb. "$150!" she cried, "$150 but to tell me my duck is expressionless!"

The vet shrugged, "I'one thousand pitiful. If you had just taken my word for it, the neb would accept been $20, merely with the Lab Written report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

The church building held a "Marriage Seminar" and the Priest asked Luigi, as his 50th hymeneals anniversary approached, to share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to his audience, "Well, I tried to treat her well and spend money on her. But the all-time affair I did was take her to Italy for our 20th anniversary."

The Priest said "Luigi, you are an inspiration to all husbands here today. Delight tell the audience what y'all plan for your wife for your 50th ceremony." Luigi proudly replied "I'thousand gonna go and get her."

A human is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he saturday down, merely lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her drinking glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the human being. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye dorsum in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed past drinks. They talk, they express mirth, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! ! "You lot know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are yous this nice to every guy yous meet? "

"No, " she replies� ""Y'all merely happened to grab my eye."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's business firm, and after eating, the wives left the table and went  into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were  talking, and 1 said,

"Last night  nosotros went out to a new restaurant and it was really  great. I would  recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the  restaurant?"

The first homo thought and thought and finally said, "What  is the name of that blossom you give to someone you love? Y'all know... the  1 that'south ruby and has thorns." "Do you hateful a rose?" "Yep, that's the 1," replied the man.

He so turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose,  what'south the proper noun of that restaurant we went to last  night?"

Lincoln, a beau, wanted to get his cute blonde married woman, Lucy something nice  for their fifth wedding anniversary. And so, he decides to purchase her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her telephone and he explains all the features on the phone.

The next day, Lucy goes shopping. Her phone rings and its Lincoln: "How-do-you-do honey", he says "how do you lot like your new telephone?"

And she replies: "I just beloved it, it's then small and your vocalization is clear equally a bell merely in that location'southward one thing I don't understand though".

"What'south that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did y'all know I was at Wal Mart?" asked Lucy.

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student  nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a  suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my aid to leave the  hospital. After a chat nearly rules being rules, he  reluctantly allow me wheel him to the lift.  On the fashion down I asked him if his  married woman was meeting him. "I don't know," he said.  "She's nonetheless upstairs in the bathroom irresolute out of her infirmary gown."

A middle anile woman had a heart assail and was taken to the infirmary. While on the operating tabular array, she had a most death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and 8 days to alive." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the infirmary and take a face elevator, liposuction and stomach tuck. Since she had so much more than time to alive, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

Subsequently her last functioning, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front end of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had some other twoscore plus years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance!?"

God replied, "My child, I am sorry, I didn't even recognize you!

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' dwelling for dinner ane evening. He was impressed by the fashion his buddy preceded every request to his with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married about seventy years, and clearly they were all the same very  much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, y'all still call your married woman those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her proper noun virtually 10 years agone."

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